I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
