Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
