It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
