How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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