The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
