i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
