Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
