Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize