TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
