she looked like the before picture.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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