If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
