So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
