Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
