I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
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