I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
