some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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