Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
my poor anus
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
