dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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