He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
