You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
