I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
