Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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