i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize