Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
