I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I deserve this hangover.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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