sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
