In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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