Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
