how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
