Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize