yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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