it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
