just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
