dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
