this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
