I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Randomize
