I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
