the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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