I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
