she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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