I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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