shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
