someone threw a dead crab at me
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize