All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
