His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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