I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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