i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
