woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
