You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's not a walk of shame if you run
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
