after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
