you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize