Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
