Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I believe in your delicious
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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