Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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