The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
