Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
