All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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