my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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