i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
