Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
