saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize